The Road to Clarity and Transformation

The Death of a Worthy Profession

2010-04-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

There's not too much "death care consulting" going on for me these days and it's seriously going to send me to the poorhouse - there seems to be a direct correlation between my career and how we, as a society honor our dead.

The company I work for is an excellent company with caring individuals who put the client first and take good care of families served. However, we are expensive and there are very low-cost alternatives in my area. It's an ongoing struggle to get people to realize that comparing our company to those competitors is not an apples to apples thing - the level of care, extra services rendered and compliance to laws are so over and above what they do. For an easy to understand comparison, let's look at it as the difference between Nordstrom (us) vs. Wal-Mart (them).

One doesn't expect much from Wal-Mart except that they are cheap and when that's the only criteria to be met, well it doesn't make sense to go to Nordstrom. Never mind that with our Nordstrom prices and policies a person can know with 100% certainty that they've actually received their loved-one's cremated remains rather than someone else's Aunt Sue. Does anyone really want to contemplate their Mother, Father or Daughter reposing in a refrigerated container truck in a business park lot? I doubt that they even know at all and to bring it to their attention just makes me look like I'm bad-mouthing a competitor so I bite my lip.

I got to thinking that death care and families purchasing trends are a direct reflection of our society. Let me first say that I truly believe that families should absolutely choose those services and products that will be most meaningful to them, how they want their arrangements done is important and should be honored. If this means the forgoing of a traditional funeral, then have a gathering at home or a park or somewhere else... perhaps a place that the person who died loved the most.

I don't think that many people value the ritual of the funeral/memorial anymore and the tradition is dying to be replaced with a quick, economical kind of disposal equating their loved-ones remains to something that needs to be discarded and forgotten. In fact our society is increasingly spreading this belief and people are choosing to forego any kind of celebration of their life - I believe that this is highly detrimental to the psychological well-being of those still living and the full effect of it is yet to be realized.

Most people will agree that there is body and there is soul and regardless of religious affiliation, it seems to be a common thread in most belief systems. Once one has seen a dead body (and I've seen plenty) it's clear that their life force is gone and what's left is a shell of sorts. But this shell is the representation of what we loved and does it deserve any less respect or dignity? Did you embrace only a soul or was it this shell's arms that encircled you when you fell and hurt your knee?

Maybe my career is going by the wayside and maybe my hope that I can continue helping families has died. Maybe the soul has left and I must now work on how to put the shell to rest in a respectful way that honors the time spent in such a worthy pursuit.

Is Size Acceptance Really A Good Thing?

2010-04-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

What is it about size acceptance that creates an environment where it's easy for me to let loose and throw away all that I've worked so hard to achieve?

How is it that I couldn't see that acceptance was really just a method of giving myself permission to get back to where I was before. How is it that I came so far in getting healthy and then made a u-turn forgetting all the pain that the old me had literally worn.

Here I am back to where I was 7 years ago. Back to my highest weight and back to isolating myself out of shame and disgust. It has affected work, family and friends alike. The respect and admiration that I got from my family for finally having achieved results, is gone and it's as if it was chipped away with every pound gained back. Much like a drug addict or alcoholic, the consequences have permeated every aspect of life and are no less devastating. I've pulled away from family and friends - while they are still so dear to me, there seems to be a disconnect that I can't quite tie back together right now.

Maybe I will never have the luxury of having acceptance or maybe it’s an ongoing path that just takes turns every now and then. Maybe accepting myself "as is" was what got me back to where I was and there's something sad about that. Why should I have to feel that I'm not good enough or not right in order to maintain a path that is best for my physical and mental well-being.

I broke off a nearly four-year relationship several weeks ago. This person not only accepted me as I was, they actually liked me that way and in this acceptance I allowed myself to go back to eating the way I used to. It's not their fault, it's what I chose to do and I'm still trying to figure out if the acceptance was what made me abandon my good sense... can't help but wonder why I had to say goodbye in order to get back on track.

Can a person accept themselves as they are, yet strive to be better?

and

Is size acceptance just a way of saying, I can't/won't/don't want to change so I'm resigned to what is and there's no use in trying?

Update on Condo and Polar Opposite Clients

2009-08-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

In the past two weeks, it's been very quiet and there hasn't been a peep from anyone about anything. I ran into the wig lady once, we chatted briefly and it was quite pleasant. A few days later I held the door open for the parking Nazi, who smiled and thanked me... never mind that I've got a weeks worth of pictures showing him parking the exact same way he accused me of but oh well, I've actually got a life and other than a momentary, delicious feeling of righteousness, I'm over it entirely.

I had an interesting chance interaction with the wife of the husband/wife management team last week. She let her guard down and told me that she's never worked anywhere like this before. According to her, she's had people scream, threaten and actually "put their hands" on her. Well, I'd like to see someone try that with me because I'm not a little woman and have had to use all 5 ft 11 inches to my advantage against more than one bully in the past five years. Maybe I'll write sometime about the "gentleman" who spit at me in a funeral arrangement for his mother in law.

We've painted and gotten most of my things set up. I'm enjoying the deck and gorgeous view of the lake - it really is feeling like home and other than another possible issue with Gary (who will now be called: disgruntled, unhappy little man), it's going great and I'm 10 minutes from work.

Its seems to be my lot in life to be surrounded by older people. Whether I'm at work or at home, the percentages are quite a bit higher than the general population figures. Normally I get along very well with our aged citizens and kind of figured it was because I was raised to be a well mannered and polite person. Politeness seems to be a fading virtue in people and I think older people appreciate it in our Jerry Springer, anything goes, me first kind of world.

However, no matter how old someone is, that does not negate the fact that there are some really ugly and rude people out there of all ages. Often times such people find those who are polite to be pushovers and weak. Goodness knows I don't like confrontation and will avoid it like the plague but if it comes to me, I can and do stand up for myself after any one individual reaches the point where they've given up the right to be treated as a decent human being. It often takes a lot but I can absolutely get there.

The vast majority of people I've worked with are very decent and nice people. Obviously, due to the nature of my work, many of them are experiencing intense grief and any oddness can usually be summed up under that umbrella. You tend to grow a thicker skin and not take too much to heart but sometimes it is extremely hard.

It was one of the former individuals that I had the misfortune to meet last week. This man called me several months ago inquiring about placing his already cremated mother in a niche at our cemetery and pre-arranging for his cremation. I sent him some quotes and was unable to contact him after that. Out of the blue he called me last week and wanted to see what we had that was a bit less expensive so I set up a time to go to his home and discuss his options.

I showed up promptly at the appointed time and he invited me in gesturing to the sofa. Because it's virtually impossible to write up paperwork sitting on a sofa and hunkered over a coffee table, I asked if we could sit at the dining table - there were papers everywhere but he cleared a spot and we sat down across from each other.

One thing that sometimes happens when you visit with a person who no longer works or has outside pursuits is that they often have very little contact with other people. They want to talk and tell me everything to the point where I feel like my brain is going to explode and I'll have to chew through something to escape.

There's a certain amount of bonding that needs to be done as in order to help them with their final arrangements, I have to get an understanding for what would be meaningful to their family while fulfilling their wishes and hopefully keeping it within their budget. One cannot just sit down and start filling out forms. This is consultative sales in it's truest form while keeping in mind that we're dealing with subject matter that most people don't want to contemplate or acknowledge in the first place.

We start out well enough in that he is clear that he wants to be cremated and the only reason he wants to buy a niche is because he has his mother's cremated remains and doesn't feel that it would be right to scatter her to the four winds. He brings out "Mom" and plops her on the table; there she sits while he talks about everything except how he wants his own arrangements to go.

It immediately becomes clear that this man cannot stay on topic and not only have I heard about much of his life, I've now heard about his neighbor, a friend who is his executor and another friend who just got into a horrific accident and "really shouldn't be driving anymore". If we could sum up the conversation into one sentence, it wouldn't be a problem but this was over the course of over two hours with nearly every technique used and attempt at getting him back on task resulting in failure. Outwardly I was the epitome of poker face but internally I was doing a spot on impression of Munch's "The Scream".

Very clearly this man had no intention of purchasing anything today and probably wouldn't ever purchase anything. My compensation is 100% commission... I've spent about an hour working up various quotes and gathering materials, scheduled the appointment, driven my own vehicle there and sat there for two and a half hours with nothing but frustration to show for it. He needs to "think about it" which usually means he won't think about it ever again. Truth be told, I've just lost money on this one - it happens.

Once I realize that I'm not getting anywhere, I usually leave as quickly and gracefully as possible. I hand him the folder I've prepared, close my binder, put my pen away and thank him for his time. He tries to go into another random story and I stand up to go - once he realizes that I'm really leaving, he wants to walk me out. As he's walking me out to my car, he stops just outside the door and says "what are you doing about your weight?".

I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

First off, this guy does not know me, he doesn't know all that I've done, what I'm doing or what I've been through but has the nerve to ask me a very personal question with the assumption that I'm doing nothing. I want to scream "you should have seen me 5 years and 100lbs ago" but how humiliating would it be to answer and acknowledge this breach in polite discourse between professional and client.

No matter how much weight I've lost and how far I've come on this journey, this relative stranger feels that it is just fine to ask me such a personal question. I told him that that was an inappropriate question and his only concern was that I thought he meant something sexual. At that moment, I wished that I possessed superhuman agility and speed to get to my car and drive the hell away from here without him even knowing what happened.

I pray that this man will just go back in his house before I cry but he follows me to the car and tries to make small talk about my car. Apparently a friend of his bought their granddaughter the same car and what a "piece of crap" it is. On that note, I get in and drive away as quickly as safety will allow. If my laptop were not sitting on my desk at work, I would have gone straight home and locked myself in my bedroom but had to go back to work and continue on as if this affronting situation had not happened.

Stark contrast:

A few days later I received a call from a very sweet lady who had pre-arranged her cremation and memorial with me the month before. We use insurance as a funding vehicle and while I am always very clear about this and state that they will be receiving a policy in a few weeks, sometimes older people forget or don't understand and call with questions about it. She was very concerned because she says that she didn't know it was insurance and wanted me to come over and go over it again with her. I make an appointment for the next day and hang up.

As I'm sitting with this woman, she is once again understanding about the insurance and really, she's very sweet but maybe not quite as "with it" as she used to be. She starts to tell me about a contractor that she hired to build a deck on the back of her house and shows it to me. It's beautiful and obviously this person did a very good job but there's a problem. She received a lien notice against her house for the cost of the lumber.

Apparently she paid the contractor in full (labor and materials) and he put her name down as being responsible for the lumber so when 60 days went by and the lumber company wasn't paid, they put a lien on her house. This woman is 89 years old and has lived on her own since her husband passed away in 1985. I ask about her family and she has a son who is coming into town the following Tuesday so I write out a synopsis of what I understand to be the problem and things that her son should look into while he's here. This woman was clearly scammed and is now worried that she's going to lose her home. I don't care what your financial problems are, you do not scam anyone, let alone an elderly woman who is far too nice and somewhat innocent about such things.

As I go to leave, I ask her to make sure to give the paper to her son and she thanks me profusely while trying to shove a twenty note into my hand. I ask her if I can give her a hug instead and she happily throws her arms around me. Just as I'm about to leave, she wants to show me her hernia that's been bothering her... before I can answer, she grabs the hem of her shirt and whips it up over her head.

I never did see the hernia but I did get a full frontal look at the "girls".

Wig lady, Gary, the Queen of No and their minions.

2009-08-14T02:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I’ve obviously been on a blogging hiatus for a few months now. There are things that I feel compelled to write about and then that inspiration comes to a complete halt.

So what is it that is bringing me out of my self-imposed blogging dry spell? I will attempt to outline the facts in the most non-rambling way that I can. You see, I’ve decided that if I don’t write this and get it off my chest, I just may go mad and we all know that the world doesn’t need any more people going crazy… particularly those who know how to effectively get rid of a dead body and work where there is an expanse of lawn and a backhoe at their disposal.

As much as I’ve tried to pick apart the layers of my situation, I’m finding that it’s hard to determine if I’m being reasonably frustrated or not. Perhaps by the end of this, I’ll come to some kind of resolution that will help me move on from here and maintain both my self-respect and sanity.

Since last December, my son and I have been sharing a three bedroom apartment with my dear friend who worked as a maintenance supervisor for the same complex so the rent was reduced. It was a great setup and the apartment was very nice; hardwood and marble floors, granite countertops, crown molding, lovely little patio with impeccably maintained grass and located in a high end, residential neighborhood. I would have been happy living there for a few more years. However, on July 17th my friend was let go and as we had paid our rent through the 31st had only 14 days to find another place, pack and move out – I was completely freaked out!

As the economic downturn has seriously affected income, I’d been barely getting by and my paycheck was consistently of the minimum wage variety. While I could look for a place and pack, I really didn’t have anything saved to pay for first, last and deposit as well as hire movers or the very least rent a truck. In the midst of all this, I’d just given my notice at work to go to outside sales which is 100% commission. Paddle, meet creek.

I confided in a friend about my situation and she very generously offered my son and me an interim place to stay. I was and am incredibly grateful but really, I’m a 46 year old woman with an 18 year old son and I couldn’t reconcile that I was in this position to begin with. A few days later my friend called me to let me know that she had mentioned my situation to a friend of hers who was in the process of working on a condo for a woman who had gone into assisted living and wanted to rent it out rather than try to sell in this depressed market. The friend had offered the condo to me for a very reasonable rent and while there was at least a month more of work to do, she would do everything in her power to get it ready for me by the 31st.

For the next two weeks two families and others worked day and sometimes into the night to get this place ready for me. Piles of belonging were removed, everything scrubbed, new carpet and tile laid and even a wall replaced that had been taken down. Having seen the Condo just a week before I moved in, I was amazed at the transformation that I found the day I arrived with the movers and all my belongings. There was still some cosmetic work that needed to be done but it was definitely “move in” condition.

I am so grateful to these wonderful people who helped me when I very well could have been homeless. The kindness of my dear friend and her friend, who didn’t even know me before, moves me beyond words.

So what did I need to get off my chest? Well there’s another side to this story, an experience that is so foreign to me that I’m having a hard time trying to reconcile what has been happening. I wonder if I’m being too nice and understanding when I should be setting better boundaries for people who clearly need them.

Being that this is a Condominium community, there is a Board that has bylaws and must approve of anyone renting a unit. Most of the owners and Board members are beyond retirement age and have lived here for many years. I’ve had no previous experience with Condo Boards and had no frame of reference but I was soon to find out how this particular little community conducts business.

The Sunday before I moved in I was to meet with one of the Board members “promptly at 9:00 am” to go over all the rules and regulations as well as sign off that I understood them and would comply. Not wanting to set a bad first impression I got to the office at 8:45 and pulled into a spot that was not marked as a parking or emergency vehicle spot but did not obscure anyone’s ability to get out of their assigned spot. As soon as I got my door open, I heard an elderly voice coming from one of the apartments yelling at someone that there was a “woman in a strange car parking downstairs” and “they aren’t supposed to do that”. A woman came out of the building and I asked her about the parking and she directed me to some visitor spots up the street so I moved my car and walked back to the building for my meeting.

It’s a security building so I waited at the door, glanced at my watch to ensure that I was still on time and was relieved to see that it just a few minutes to 9:00. There’s only one chance to make a good first impression and I didn’t want to start off on a bad foot with these people who could refuse my lease approval.

Within seconds, I notice that the woman approaching looked like a freakish hybrid between an old Bette Davis and Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard – full on bad 1940’s hair, about 80 pounds and some scary ass makeup. We made our introductions and sat down in the lobby area to go over the rules. There was really nothing unusual or unreasonable in there but just all the things that have probably happened in the past and they’ve decided to add it in – just in case any new people got some crazy ideas. Honestly though, as I read all those “don’t dos” a feeling of dread came over me and I decided that she will from this day forward be called the “Queen of No”.

In all fairness, she was a nice woman but we finished up after two hours and I left wondering if I was doing the right thing. Weighing my options or in this case my singular “option”, it didn’t seem that I had much choice but to make the best of it. I’m not a noisy or obnoxious neighbor and tend to want to follow the rules so what’s the problem? As the days wore on leading up to my move, I was still apprehensive but so thankful to have a place to go that my concerns receded to a place that was manageable.

Moving day came and I was thrilled to have everything packed and able to hire movers to bring my stuff up four flights of stairs to the new place. The movers were supposed to be there between 12:00 and 2:00 but got detained on another job and then stuck in traffic so they didn’t get to my place until 5:30. By the time we rolled up to the Condo it was nearly 8:00. I understood that we had to be all moved in by 10:00 (one of the many rules) so I tried to get the movers to hurry so we wouldn’t cause a problem the first day in.

Within a half hour I could see a woman downstairs trying to talk to the movers and being that only one of them spoke any English, they’d just stop working and stand there trying to figure out what she was saying. Since I was paying these guys by the hour AND we were supposed to be done in less than two, I was going absolutely batshit watching this all to play out. My son even went down and started grabbing stuff out of the truck to hurry this along but I could see this woman interjecting herself at every turn – I’ll call her wig lady.

One of the movers had made it out of her clutches and as I pointed to where he should place things, she seemed to just appear in my apartment, hastily introduced herself as another Board member and told me that the movers needed to be done by 10:00. As it took them two hours to get my stuff in the truck, I told her that they would not be ready in time and that I was sorry we came so late. I also asked her to stop talking to them because I was paying them by the hour and she wasn’t helping things move along. The movers didn’t finish until 11:30 and she stood there the WHOLE time, followed them out to their truck and stayed until they drove away.
– Friday, DAY 1

Even though we finished so late, we got the beds set up and I crashed as soon as the door was locked. Due to the scorching heat and move, I woke up with a horrible migraine and figured that it would be better to stay in bed and try to get rid of it but at around 11:00 there was a knock at my door. Still in my pajamas, hair standing on end and migraine in full swing I opened the door to the “Queen of No” who said something but I have no idea what she wanted nor did I care. I ended up mumbling something about my migraine and shut the door.
– Saturday, DAY 2

By the next day, I felt much better and tackled the piles of boxes in an attempt to at least get the kitchen set up, find my clothes and anything else I’d need to get ready for work the next day. My son and I took the dogs for a walk and ran into a woman who was walking her dog as well. I noted that she and I were around the same age and felt relief that not everyone in this complex was retired. As we spoke, she warned me about the Board members that I had met and some that I had not – she said that she was sorry she’d signed a one year lease and as soon as it was up, she was “going to get the heck out of here”.

Later that day, I took the dogs out again and was approached by a man (also a Board member and my neighbor, Gary) who said that he was watching me and noticed that my dog had “defecated”. He went on to inform me that they aren’t allowed to do it on that particular patch of grass even though I picked it up… apparently urinating was ok though. Gary then instructed me to walk my dogs nearly a block away if they had to poop.

In the evening my Son also took the dogs out and was confronted by an elderly man who said that the dogs “better not be barkers”.
– Sunday, DAY 3

As much as I would have liked to stay home and finish unpacking, I needed to go to work. It was also my first day in the new position and I’d already taken a week off to pack for the move. In the early afternoon I received a call from my sweetie who had answered a knock at the door. Apparently the co-Manager had just dropped by in the middle of the day to bring my two keys to the common areas and asked my sweetie if he was my son????? OK, I’ve aged a little more than normal this past year but how does a 38 year old man look like an 18 year old?

So I get the call at work and immediately call the co-Manager to let her know that I am coming home and will be there in a half- hour. I get off the elevator and run into Gary who informs me that the co-manager was coming there to give me my keys. OK… we’re talking about ½ hour tops and he knew about it – do these people call each other and discuss every single thing that’s going on and who’s doing it? Frankly, I find the whole thing to be just creepy as hell.

I go into my apartment and wait two hours then call the co-manager again to leave a message that I was home and waiting. I also mentioned that in future, it would be better if they called first because I work and would like to know when they are coming so I can put the dogs away. I never heard from her that day or the next. – Monday, DAY 4

The next day I wait for the co-manager to call me back and decide to call her again. She said that she does not work past 5:00 so I made an appointment for Wednesday to go in and sign/pay for the keys. The parking here is a bit tricky in that there is no guest or temporary parking – fortunately I have a spot but the office where I was to meet the co-manager is in the farthest building from mine . I was in a work suit, it was hot and I debated about parking my car in one of the empty spots near that building.

Fortunately I decided to park on the street and walk down because when I met the co-manager in the office, she asked me why I walked down the way I did meaning that she had been watching me – from where, I don’t know. The “Queen of No” and the wig lady that dogged my movers also appear for a few minutes and then leave. As with everything involving these people, a task that should take 5 minutes turns into an hour or more so I am now late for work.
– Wednesday, DAY 6

My son is walking the dogs in the designated place for “defecation”, one of them does their business and just as he’s about to take the baggie out of his pocket to clean it up, an old woman appears and yells that he has “to clean that up”. It’s really freaky how stealthy these old folks are around here.
– Thursday, DAY 7

I’m home early from work and sitting on the deck but can see my son down in the parking lot with the dogs and talking to an elderly woman who has just gotten out of her car. I then see him helping her carry her many bags and some plants into her apartment – he comes back with a cold drink that she had given him. Hmmmm… maybe we can win these people over if we just keep being really nice.
– Friday, DAY 8

Every time I come out of my apartment there is Gary somewhere nearby. Normally when I’m in, I’m in but I had laundry, got the mail, went to the store and took the dogs out. He seems to be lurking around every corner and I often see him roaming the parking lot on some kind of perimeter patrol.
– Saturday, DAY 9

I’m gone most of the day on errands and a hair appointment. Apparently nothing has happened while I was gone and all seems very quiet and calm.
– Sunday, DAY 10

At this point I’m kind of figuring that whatever these people were worried about with me is no longer a concern. I see the usual players wandering around, patrolling and going about their business but they’ve been leaving me alone.
– M-T-W, DAYS 11, 12 and 13

As I’m taking the dogs out in the morning I run into an older man (big surprise). I offered him a cheery “good morning” and he just looks at me and scowls. OK, now I work quite a bit with older people so I figured that maybe he’s hard of hearing and maybe he didn’t see my mouth move while I was looking directly at him. I told myself to just give him the benefit of the doubt.

OMG, my dog has “defecated” in the prohibited place and on top of that, I have no bags. I pick a few large leaves from a bush and hastily clean up the poop… whew, I wonder if they are watching me. My dog should have told me it had to poop off schedule – bad dog!

Around 12:00 there is a knock at the door. Of course I know it’s someone associated with these condos because we’re in a secure building and they are pretty much the only people who would just knock without calling first. Any who, it’s the other co-manager who wants to discuss something with me. Apparently he hadn’t heard my message about calling first – dogs are going ballistic.

Ok, I’m not letting this guy in because they’ve already tried to get in to see my stuff and check everything out so I close the door and talk to him in the hall. Apparently the gentleman who parks next to me has complained that I’m parking too far to the right and encroaching on his parking space. Seems that the guy that scowled at me earlier is my parking neighbor – mystery solved.

The co-manager was really nice and seems almost embarrassed to be talking to me about this and keeps apologizing but the man is really pissed and he has to talk to me. No problem, I go down and see that my car is not perfectly aligned and there is at least 4 inches more on the left than the right. I move my car and contemplate bringing out a measuring tape for future compliance.

I get off the elevator and Gary stops me in the hall… he has to talk to me about something. Oh boy, what now!? Apparently Gary is concerned that someone in my apartment smokes because he can sometimes smell it in the hall and does the owner know that there is smoking going on in the apartment.

I’m pretty much ready to rip this guy a new one but take a deep breath and say that there is nothing in my lease about smoking and that when I smoke; I do it on the deck not so much inside. He talks about putting some kind of additional weather stripping around the door, etc. I’m willing to do that and tell him so, I don’t want to disturb others and smoking is something that even if it’s just a little bit, some people are very sensitive about it.

Gary goes on to say that I need to clear it through the condo owner. O M G!!! Who the hell does this man think he is? Am I a child that needs to be advised as to what to do and what my responsibilities are? Of course any improvements are going to be discussed between me and the owner… I want to just smack that condescending smirk off his face.

Gary’s wife then shows up, introduces herself and informs me that there is a pot luck on the 21st and to bring a dish. Do I really want to be in a room with all these people making chit chat?

Later I go to the store and as I’m pulling out, I see Gary and Wig lady out there talking to another person. I can’t help but wonder if they are talking about me. I wave, force a smile and drive off.
– Thursday, DAY 14

I’m still very appreciative of the wonderful people who helped me get in here and don’t want to take away from that in any way but am wondering if I’m over reacting to the things that have happened or if this is normal.

I’ve got very limited experience in apartment living and where I lived before was nothing like this in that people were younger, they had jobs and were busy and not really paying attention to what others were doing. Here most of the tenants are much older and perhaps their world is small and they need to feel in control – there also seems to be a bit of an element of the Board members feeling superior to those who live here but are not on the board.

I really hope that I can make it another two weeks without really telling someone off.

Cupcake Dreaming

2009-02-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

For some reason today, I'm dreaming of luscious, moist cupcakes with buttercream frosting. They seem to be cropping up everywhere... a local cupcake shop whispering sweet nothings my way, a friend who not only blogged about cupcakes today but has them as her header picture, to the seemingly renewed appreciation for these lovely little single serve cakes that keep showing up in lieu of their grown up cousin, the full on three layer cake.

I suppose that cupcakes appeal to those who are or want to at least appear to be moderate in their eating and hell, they are damn cute. Instead of everyone insisting on only a "sliver", they'd gladly take the cupcake and maybe even have another. If I were to start down that road, there would be nothing moderate about it! I could eat a dozen, two dozen and then feel like a complete loser while I flushed the little paper cups down the toilet and hid under the covers nursing my refined carb stupor.

In the old days I would have eaten them all, bought identical replacements and pretended the whole thing never happened. Heck, I'd even daintily accept "just one" because certainly the "food police" (AKA my late husband) wouldn't fault me in having a little bit, right?

I live with people, people who don't low carb. There is a plate of brownies on the counter and a half eaten ice cream cake in the freezer. There's no way I'm going to go down that road because I know that I wouldnt stop and there is another box of brownie mix in the cupboard so it would spell disaster as I attempted to replace that which I had ravaged. There's no "food police" here anymore but old habits are hard to break.

What's a low carber to do?

So I heat up some heavy cream, water, Torani french vanilla, sugar free syrup and a dash of cinnamon. As I drink in this creamy, warm and deliciously sweet concoction, I'm reminded of rice pudding or dare I say, fluffy vanilla cupcakes with butter cream frosting.

Slim Shots? Fat Chance!

2009-02-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

I've got the television on. Not because I'm watching it but because my sweetie is completely and utterly addicted and it must be on 24/7. If I have to listen to another mind numbing program or the sound of UFC wrestling, soccer, basketball, poker playing or an Adam Sandler movie, I'm going to go stark raving mad (OK, I'll make an exception for 2 1/2 Men which is actually pretty funny). Usually I'm cozied up on the couch with the laptop feeding my voracious need to read about subjects near and dear to my heart, but always in the background that damn television is droning on.

With the exception of an occasional commercial with Billy Mays screaming at me or the Wilford Brimley ads where he wants to talk to us about "diabeedus", I'm usually successful in tuning the whole thing out about 90% of the time.

Tonight I heard a commercial that caught my attention. I know I've heard it before but for some reason, it peaked my interest and I wondered "what's in that stuff and how does it work"?

The product is called "SlimShots". SlimShots is a liquid concoction that comes in a container in the same shape of a .5 oz half and half or coffee mate mini-creamer and promises that it will control appetite by increasing the "feeling of satiety".

These ads and handy containers are obviously geared towards women who will respond to the promise of something that will help them lose weight by creating a feeling of fullness on less food. It's also wrapped up in a convenient little package which can be "kept at work, in the kitchen or in your purse". So easy, effortless and promising weight loss - a magic combination that ensures women will buy it and diet food manufactures will be having mind-blowing wet dreams as they ponder their profit and loss statement.

In perusing the product's website at https://www.slimshots.com/ver5/index.asp I noticed that the nutrition facts are laid out a bit differently than most nutrition facts. It's set up in such a way as to downplay what the ingredients are in this product. While the main ingredients are pretty clear, the "other" ingredients are in a font so small that frankly, most probably won't bother to really look at or understand why such ingredients could create the promised results.

Normal size print: Natural oat and palm oil, artificial vanilla and sweetener

Small size print: Natural and artificial flavors, Aspertame, beta carotene color and Phenylketonurics.

As an avid low carber I can see right off the bat that of course one would feel fuller on less food after ingesting the natural oat and palm oil. I understand intimately how eating a diet rich in fat will make all the difference on my feeling of fullness or how satisfied I feel after a meal.

In a roundabout kind of covert way, this product is selling what we already know. While product FAQs don't specifically advocate a particular type of diet the sample menu recommendation and eating out tips are clearly buying into the low fat dogma. It appears that they are perpetuating the low fat eating mindset while utilizing a low carb concept. I have to say that it's actually quite brilliant.

The very nature of how this product might work really points to how we low carbers don't need to purchase it at all. By adhering to a low carb way of eating, we can eat a varied amount of delicious and satisfying food while losing weight and improving our health. This product is completely unnecessary for meaningful and lasting weight loss.

Don't even get me started on the use of Aspertame... good grief!

Vindication of the Incredible Egg

2009-02-14T17:21:00.000-08:00

Over the past ten years, there have been several studies that show eggs to be quite the nutritional powerhouse and not at all dangerous for those who are concerned about their cholesterol levels.

Despite these studies, there seems to be a stubbornness by some to actually embrace this truth... Why? I believe that many individuals in the government, medical and nutrition community are so resistent to admit that they have been advocating the wrong way of eating that they'll hold on until there is no way to refute the efficacy of a lower carb eating regimen.

In a Mayo Clinic Q&A piece (1) from July of this year, it is recommended that one limit their consumption of eggs in general and specifically stick to egg whites in order to keep cholesterol levels under control. Despite the studies, this (I'm assuming) respected cardiologist is perpetrating the same myth and he's not alone.

A study just completed by University of Surrey (2) researchers took two groups - one group was put on a low calorie/0 egg plan and the other group was put on a low calorie/2 egg per day plan. They found that not only did both study groups lose weight, they also "saw a fall in the average level of blood cholesterol". The surprise is that the group who ate two eggs per day had the same experience as the group that ate no eggs during the duration of the study. It would be interesting to know if the group who ate the eggs found that they were more satisfied with their low calorie diet than those who did not.

According to the study leader, Professor Griffin, "there is no convincing evidence to link an increased intake of dietary cholesterol or eggs with coronary artery disease through raised blood cholesterol".

Since starting my low carb journey in 2003, my egg consumption at times has topped nearly two dozen a week, yet my good cholesterol (HDL) has gone up and the bad cholesterol (LDL) has gone down. I know that I'm not alone - low carbers everywhere are experiencing the same thing.

The common belief that Eggs are bad for us seems to come hand in hand with the belief that dietary fat makes us gain weight. Proponents of low carb eating know that fat does not make us fat, it's all about refined carbohydrates and carbohydrate control and the effect of such eating on ones body.

Eggs are an excellent source of protein and contain valuable minerals and vitamins. Being that over 10% of an egg's content is fat, they provide a wonderful feeling of being satisfied and full.

Yet another diet/health myth busted! Scrambled, poached, fried, deviled or boiled - eat up!

Links:

(1)

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cholesterol/HQ00608

(2)

http://www2.surrey.ac.uk/mediacentre/press/2009/2840_twoegg_diet_cracks_cholesterol_issue.htm

Classic Deviled Eggs
h/t marijoe @ LCT

6 eggs, extra large, hardboiled

5 tablespoons mayonnaise

2 teaspoons dijon mustard

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon worcestershire sauce

6 dashes paprika
1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1. Slice the eggs and carefully remove yolks into a mixing bowl.

2. Mash the yolks with a fork. Stir in remaing ingredients. Mix until creamy.

3. Spoon the mixture back into the whites.

Sprinkle with paprika and eat to your heart's content.

Per Serving: .5 Carbohydrate, 4 Grams Protein and if you count such things, 88 calories

What's a Low Carb Newbie to do?

2009-02-12T09:34:00.000-08:00

Since my renewed commitment to the low carb lifestyle, I've recaptured that ketogenic fire that allowed me to lose 100lbs in 2004; needless to say, I feel fantastic.

With over 30lbs lost in two months and a substantial decrease in my arthritis pain, there's no way I'm going to trust a cursory glance at the front label of a product I'm about to ingest. If it's not whole, real food, I'm going to read each and every ingredient that went into that product. The more ingredients, the more it registers on my "Frankenfood" scale and it doesn't take much to turn me off entirely.

There's a woman that I work with who has just started the Atkins low carb plan. The good news is that she really gets it, she's read DANDR and understands that it's not all about bacon and eggs baby! Being a newbie though, she's still working on discarding the indoctrination of "low fat" and apparently labels that promise "sugar free" or "healthy" based upon what someone wants us to believe.

In coming to work today, she kindly invited everyone to share here newly purchased Coffee Mate Hazelnut flavor, "sugar free" creamer. Being the killjoy that I am, I asked her what sugar alternative they used. She picks up the bottle and starts reading. Hmmmm... "water, corn syrup" whoa there Trigger! CORN SYRUP??? Is that not sugar? I decide to see for myself and there are two asterisks that point to some verbiage that says "Adds a trivial amount of sugar".

Forgive me if I'm wrong but if something has even a "trivial amount of sugar", doesn't that mean that it still has sugar? Being that it's the second ingredient, how can one say that the amount is "trivial"? I won't even go into the third ingredient of "partially hydrogenated". This is Frankenfood, to be sure.

Taking a look at the product website, the interesting thing is that the nutrition facts outlined there show the first two ingredients as "water" and "partially hydrogenated soy-bean and/cr cottonseed oil". Throughout the whole list there is not one mention of corn syrup but with "sucralose" (Splenda) as the substance used to sweeten it; I have no problem with calling it "sugar free" if this is the case.

Newbies take note. Do not believe or trust what you read on the front label. Take a look at ingredients and understand that when the Government approves of certain word usage, there is enough wiggle room to allow a food manufacturer to legally put statements like "sugar free" when it's clearly not.

Bottom line is to read the Nutrition Facts thoroughly and know what your getting. For some people, even a "trivial" amount of corn syrup can make all the difference in their low carb success.

Better yet, do yourself a favor and eat only whole, real food as much as possible.

HFCS and Lipstick on a Pig

2009-02-02T22:42:00.000-08:00

While the whole "lipstick on a pig" saying has been pretty overused of late, it does seem to be applicable in looking at the advertising campaign from The Corn Refiners Association that kicked off in September 2008.

If you haven't seen one of these commercials yet, they are typically showing one person expressing concern about High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) and then another person extolling its virtues.

Here's one of the advertisements.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEbRxTOyGf0

Most members of the low carb community understand that HFCS is one of the key reasons that there is an obesity “epidemic” in the United States. While it is not as simple as just one thing, its profound impact cannot be discounted. One only has to look at the birth of its use and the correlation of a sudden rise in obesity and diabetes rates.

Due to generous corn subsidies and steep tariffs on sugar, HFCS is a cheaper (more profitable) way to go when sweetening food or simulating the mouth-feel of fat. It’s in practically every processed food and it’s in most food labeled as “low fat”.

Apparently someone thought that it would be a great idea to eliminate or reduce the fat in a product and replace it with HFCS. It’s no wonder why so many people are fatter than ever and can’t figure out why.

When the food manufacturers wanted a piece of our (LC) market, they came up with all sorts of "low carb" options and it wasn't too long before we saw our weight loss stall. When we finally realized what was happening, we stopped purchasing these items and sales went down the drain. Indeed, this was about the time that the "low carb craze" was deemed by the media to be over. Most low carbers went back to whole, real food the problem was solved.

We have grown to realize that we cannot trust our government to fully regulate these things to our benefit and we sure as hell can't trust these food manufacturers that make billions of dollars at our expense. I’m truly worried for our future and wonder if our grandchildren will be the first generation that does not outlive their parents.

Evil, Wilfully Ignorant or Just Plain Greedy

2008-07-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

Having recommitted myself to low carb, you will once again see me engaging in horrific acts such as dipping grilled chicken breast pieces into full-fat mayonnaise and munching on cheese and pepperoni between meals. Yes, I know, I know, it's going to "kill" me... or so I've been recently told.

In light of all the studies that have come out in the past 10 years and this past month to be specific, it seems that healthy, lower carb eating (I'm not talking about an all bacon, butter and steak diet here) is not only the most successful way to take off excess weight, it also raises the HDL (good) cholesterol and lowers the LDL (bad) cholesterol.Since the advent of the low fat "craze", we've been told that we must cut down or even eliminate all fat from our diet in order to lose weight.

The basis of this belief is based on the "science" that fat causes fat; you eat something with fat, you end up wearing it... sounds logical right? It's true and it's not true, it's just so much more complicated than that.

If eating low fat were the great panacea that it has been touted and people have lined up to swallow this mantra, hook line and sinker, why have people not lost weight but gained in alarming numbers?

Don't get me wrong, some people do very well eating low fat IF they stick to whole, real foods, watch every calorie, can manage to stay sane and continue eating in such a way that makes most people miserable. The fact of the matter though is that our bodies need dietary fat, we need it for energy and to feel full. Fat is necessary for healthy brain function and it even helps your body
regulate temperature.

So what to do? Continue to beat yourself up for being weak and unable to sustain the low fat misery or find a different way and go for a lower carbohydrate approach.

While Dr. Atkins did not come up with the first lower carbohydrate type of plan, he was the one individual who revolutionized it. He pushed it to the forefront and tirelessly worked for more awareness of what became a very controversial way of eating... controversial because it went against everything that we've been told and it cut deep into the pockets of those whose livelihood depends upon keeping us on the low-fat hamster wheel.

We've swallowed it to the point where Americans are fatter than ever and are bombarded with headlines and news stories with the obligatory fat torso shot lamenting America's "obesity epidemic".

More than ever I hear vitriol from people who feel superior because they are thin and can't ever imagine gaining weight? Don't worry, those of you who find fat people disgusting can still point your finger and laugh or tell them to stop eating already because joy oh joy, it's the last form of prejudice that is somewhat socially acceptable YEE HAW good times!

Aside from a few fat fetish types, no one who is overweight wants to be that way. Most fat people long for a "normal" body that will not shame them every time they go out in public. Most fat people do not like having only one or two stores to choose from when buying clothes and even then, the process is torture.

Most fat people would like to live a full life and not base every action on whether their weight will hinder them from doing something they they'd love to do. Most fat people would love to live a life where their weight has no bearing on the choices they make. I can't even articulate the how far-reaching this problem is when faced with day to day choices.

If you are or ever have been overweight, you know the struggle, pain and humiliation that comes from being overweight in a society that prizes youth, beauty and especially thinness above all else.

So who benefits from keeping people fat? Is it the Franken-food manufacturers who pump out the "low fat" and so-called "healthy" crap that is filled with high fructose corn syrup, is it the USDA who won't meaningfully amend the food pyramid despite the hard science that a lower carbohydrate diet is the best for health and wellness?

Is it the pharmaceutical companies who love to feed into the "take a pill" and "quick fix" mentality that has permeated the American psyche? Perhaps going through your day with a few extra pairs of underwear tucked into your purse (just in case) is no big deal - anal leakage anyone?

Is it the multi-billion dollar diet industry that will stop making money if people were to find a viable way to lose weight and keep it off? Of course you can always blame yourself for being weak and lacking self-control... don't worry, you can even sign up again come New Years Eve because there is always hope and maybe you will be able to do it this time around - hop on the hamster wheel, there's room for all!

How about the American Diabetes Association who only recently started advocating a slightly lower carbohydrate regimen but still encourage those with type II diabetes to eat generous amounts of grains which truth be told, in the United States, that is usually interpreted as products made of refined flour? Hell, I knew that the world had gone mad when I saw the food pyramid on a package of Wonder bread, proving that it was somehow good for you because the USDA said so!

Are these people, corporations and organizations evil, willfully ignorant or just plain greedy? I suspect all of the above to some degree or another. It seems that making boat loads of money on the misery of other human beings is no problem if your banker and shareholders are happy. I'm not against people making money and think capitalism is great but making money to the detriment of millions of people is just wrong.

In the meantime, I see people who are truly suffering because excess weight not only makes them fat, they are most likely suffering from other problems as well: joint issues, tiredness, insulin resistance, pre-diabetes, diabetes, over taxing of the heart, depression and malnutrition.

Until more and more people speak up (See Below*) about the efficacy of eating low carb and bust the misinformation still entrenched due to the greed of those who make no money on people being healthy, the cycle will continue and more people will live miserable and unhappy lives.

* Special nod to Jimmy Moore at livin la vida low carb. Keep countering the myths by tirelessly bringing us the truth – thanks for all that you do!

http://www.livinlavidalowcarb.com/

Honoring Responsibility

2008-06-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

Since starting my career in the death care profession I have believed that I am somehow put in front of the families that most need to work with me. Whether this is fate, divine intervention, karma or some luck of the draw, it has proved itself to be true time and time again.

This is quite a stretch sometimes as there are those individuals that it is hard to care about, let alone like. We don't mesh with everyone out there and no matter how hard I try to listen and perceive how best my services can fit with their expectations, I sometimes fall short.

Having a strong desire to do everything in my power to take care of and protect them through the process is my biggest motivator. Success starts there and whether I make enough money to live on or not depends upon that desire and fulfillment of it more than anything else.

Looking honestly at my career, I can say that I have taken good care of most of those families in my charge. Is there something I could improve or do better? Absolutely! It's an ongoing endeavor to constantly and consistently grow in knowledge and understanding; to put my own ego and feelings away when I walk into a room where a family has come to take care of the final cemetery arrangements of their loved one. To really listen to what they say and interpret correctly that which would be meaningful and helpful.

When I run into a family I've worked with and they give me a hug or just call to say thanks for making this chapter in their life a little bit easier, I know I've done my job and maybe made a small difference in the world. Isn't that what most of us want? Indeed, I am blessed to be in a profession that allows me every opportunity to do so.

Due to an internal financial/paycheck issue, I've been really struggling to find my motivation - it's something that I've been trying to resolve for almost 6 months now and there does not see to be any end in sight no matter who I bring the problem to. The only reasons that I have not quit are due to loving and believing in what I do, my regard for my Manager and the knowledge that in all other ways this company has always done the right thing.

On Friday I committed to take the weekend and get "my head on straight", outline my goals, how long I'll wait until it is resolved and what I will do if it is not. I came into work on Monday with a firm decision, a new-found optimism and resolve to work harder and smarter. I outlined on paper how long I will wait for the resolution and what I will do if it is not taken care of.

On my desk was a note from over the weekend about a gentleman who had come in to follow up on something that has been taking quite some time to complete. According to the note, he was extremely upset and borderline abusive to the staff that was there.

There are all sorts of reasons why this man's issue had not been resolved. If fault must be determined, I can honestly say that he and I both share the blame. However, he is an elderly man who lost his life partner of more years than I've been alive and cannot be held to the same standard, I am the individual whose job it was to take care of him and his family through this difficult period.

I am merely one person in the team of people that are required to fulfill the obligations of taking care of a family. The person who initially answers the phone when the death is reported, the individuals who pick up the deceased, the person who greets them when they come into the funeral home, the Funeral Director and then me.

When all is said and done, it is I who has the most contact with the family and I am the person who needs to follow-up and make sure all loose ends are taken care of before our job is done, it is I who visits their home to follow up after most people have stopped coming by and calling. When you are entrusted to this care, much trust needs to be earned and given and when you are allowed to enter someones private home, it is all the more magnified.

After reading the note, I proceeded to follow up with other departments to see what the status was and was waiting for the necessary information in order to call the family to give them an update. Unfortunately I did not get a chance because one of his family members called me first.

I was literally chewed out for a half hour, I was accused of possibly causing health problems for this elderly man and even the reason for him almost collapsing the day before. To say I was horrified is putting it mildly.

Initially I attempted to tell this person what I have done to resolve the issue but they did not want to hear it and essentially told me to shut up and listen. I wanted to explain the events chronologically and that there are many departments that must do what they do in order for this to be handled.

I realized that no matter what I said, it would have not been accepted at that point and this individual just needed me to hear and understand what they were feeling. When you are attacked like that, the first reaction is to push back, I wanted to hang up the phone.... thoughts of "I don't get paid enough for this BS" and such flooded my mind. I couldn't help but think that this situation was going to damage me in some way since we send every client a "how did we do" questionnaire - I tried to push away the thoughts of every manager up the line to the owner of the company reading how unhappy this family was with me.

Then I did what I should have done in the first place - I listened.

After they finished, I attempted to offer a conciliatory gesture but it was not accepted. Then all that was left was to apologize and take responsibility for my part in this situation; an apology I'm not sure that this person heard. I then asked what else I could do to make it right and the request came in the form of a refund. Such requests are not terribly rare and sometimes warranted as we have a 100% satisfaction guarantee but it is not across the board as this person had asked, it would be specific to the problem at hand i.e. if your flowers are wrong, we will refund the flowers, etc. not the entire cost of the funeral. That being said, I do not believe that they were using this as an excuse to get their money back but as a way to cement that I/we had understood the impact of this situation to them and that we were sorry.

This post is not about the specifics of this particular situation or even an attempt in trying to put any responsibility on the family. It is about endeavoring to be a better person, employee and servant of others. It is about the fact that I do believe we are put in front of the families we were meant to work with and no matter what the outcome, we are accountable for finding the lesson in it as well as honor the responsibility to the best of our ability.

There is a tremendous amount of work involved in what I do, the continual juggling, prioritizing and follow-up are critical. You must be the proverbial duck on the water - serenely swimming along with no one seeing how fast your legs are moving underneath. It is this reason that families do not seem to understand that we are responsible for more than just their family and come in unannounced without an appointment and concerned when we are with another family or out on an appointment.

I currently have about 30 active files in follow-up rotation and they grow by about 3-5 per week. Our position requires that we be available on certain days for people walking in and inquiring about anything and everything related to the cemetery, including taking them out to a grave space (rain or shine) with map in hand to visit a distant relative.

I'm not so sure that they need to understand how busy we are as they are dealing with the death of their loved one, their life being altered and their grief. Why would they care about anything else? They shouldn't have to.

In this particular case, I was able to offer a refund specific to the complaint and I will be writing an apology to the gentleman. I don't know if it will make a difference to him but it's what I have in my power to do; it's also the "right" thing to do.

Back to my theory of families we were meant to serve... What did I learn my purpose was in serving this family?

I truly believe that this event was necessary for me so I would be more diligent in my follow-up. I learned that in order to serve each family, all promises must be fulfilled in the time-frame that I've promised and that I must be ever vigilant as an advocate for them.

I'm not sure what lesson they learned in all this but I'm just sorry that I had to learn mine at their expense.

The Cure for Low Self-Esteem

2008-06-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

We hear the words "self-esteem" bandied about as if it is a commodity that one can purchase in a store or give to others.

It is what we need to feel good about ourselves and live our lives to their fullest potential. When we have a healthy self-esteem we make healthier choices in life.

Self-esteem is perceived as something that can be given and then magically changes ones life... like it is something outside of ourselves coming in rather than growing inside and moving outward.

In reality, no matter how much someone saying "you are worthy" feels good, it is not truly believed in our heart. As human beings, we tend to hear with precision when something negative is said but when it is positive, we become deaf or just don't believe it.

In order to truly realize how worthy we are, we must plant the seed in our own heart through hard work and perseverence. Each time you set a goal and achieve it, each time you give rather than take, every hour you stay "cheat free", you are storing up provisions for that seed to grow. As your seed grows into a healthy and vibrant plant, it continues to need nourishment to sustain itself.

Don't look for self-esteem from anything or anyone, look inside yourself. There is a seed there that needs nourishment and it will grow more than you can possibly imagine. Indeed, it is in your power to make it so.

Suspending Judgment

2007-10-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

"Show me the manner in which a nation cares for its dead, and I will measure with mathematical exactness, the tender mercies of its people, their loyalty to high ideals, and their regard for the laws of the land." - William E. Gladstone

As an individual who has worked with people who have recently lost a loved one to death, I’ve seen human emotion and grief at just about every stage. Anyone who has chosen a career in death care soon learns that you must keep your heart guarded but open, your emotions professional but compassionate and most of all, your judgments at the door.

From the widow or widower who has lost their life partner of 56 years to the mother whose baby passed while still in the womb. We see people in their most raw of moments; that time which their reality as they know it has been forever and devastatingly changed. All that has past has become a memory that will fade and any hopes for future are not to be.

Over the past several years, there seems to have been a Hollywood and entertainment industry fascination with death care and those who choose to make this their career. In watching the HBO series “Six Feet Under”, each episode starts with a death and very often follows with an arrangement meeting with the family. In the scene, the family is very often emotional and distraught, they dab at their eyes with tissue as the series’ regulars look on and spout clichés. Such a simplistic representation and typically not what we see in reality.

We see the family and relationship dynamics close up. A death will only magnify the roles each family member assumes and past wrongs or perceived slights will come crashing in all at once; we are inducted into the family during this time and each member will attempt to pull us to their side. I have sat with families who were calm and families who were unable to make decisions. I have seen families who were indifferent, others who were in a daze and seemed unable to understand what was happening, even people who were toxic and angry.

Of all the families I have sat with, it is the indifferent ones that disturb me the most. This is where I most endeavor to keep my feelings and judgments at the door. It starts with the death of a family member and then we must set up an appointment to make the necessary arrangements. These are the people who are unable to fit this important task into their busy schedule; it is as if this death has caused them a great inconvenience - it is as if the person died just to spite them. We do not know what has gone on before and what type of relationship, if any, they had. We must suspend judgment, indeed, it is not our job to judge but merely show them their options and serve them to the best of our ability.

These are the families who do not want a service or memorial, they are the families who want to get this over as soon as possible and forget that this ever happened; it’s as if they are erasing the existence of a human being. In the short three years that I have been in this profession, I’ve seen these types of families increase in number. It is a disturbing trend that I fear will continue to increase and it makes me worry for the state of our society. As our culture becomes so much more acclimated to fast everything, it is permeating every aspect, even death… how we care for our dead and how we progress through grief.

When reading Gladstone’s quote, I am struck with how profound his words are. What are our ideals when as families, we treat our dead as disposable? What are our ideals when we do not provide an opportunity for our children to go and place flowers at their Grandparent’s grave? What kind of message are we sending to future generations?

Looks like I’m going to need to work on that “suspending judgment” thing some more.

The Other Woman

2007-10-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

There is a woman I know who is sometimes sad and confused about how her life has turned out.

She wants her old life back. She wants to turn back time to when someone took care of her and she didn't have to worry about all the pressures and difficulties that come with going it alone. She wants that long gone feeling of being adored and loved to come back.

No one who knows her has any idea that she feels this way and would probably be surprised. She is two distinct people; she is the happy, confident person that most people see her as. She keeps busy with many activities and has aspirations for the future but she also is lonely and sometimes feels sorry for herself.

She believes that life's curves are pre-destined and even though there is no explanation for it, events happen as they are supposed to. What came before seems like someone Else's life... Were 23 years of life's memories just a figment of her imagination? If not for the fact of her children, she may just believe that it was all a dream or some imprint of a past life.

It's been three years and it's been a hundred years; maybe it really didn't happen and he's just at work. Maybe he'll come through the door at 6:00 and want to tell her about his day over a glass of wine.

The Kimmer (Kimkins) Controversy and a Parallel Universe

2007-09-16T09:45:00.001-07:00

What can I say that hasn't already been said about the scandal surrounding Kimmer's (Heidi Diaz) Kimkins low carb/low fat diet plan. Like so many of us in the low carb community, I've been watching this unfold for some time now and like a horrible accident, find it very difficult to look away. If there is actually any low carber out there who does not know what I'm talking about check out http://kimkinsexposed.wordpress.com/ for a chronology of events.

Seeing so many people I care about hurt and coming to blows has been hard. I've been at a real loss on how to address this on my forum where there have been some real blowups regarding the plan and following a person who may not be who they say they are. Of course I have my own opinions but how would I respond without appearing to take sides?

It really brings up so many bad memories and hurt feelings about our own "Oz" and our Kimmer there. The parallels are too strong to ignore... hiding behind stock photography, (no pictures could be posted because her ex husband worked for the State department and she could be killed if seen) lying about each one of us so that we won't actually get together and bust her myriad of lies (my husband, daughter and son beat me on a daily basis so don't contact me or they will go on a rampage). Putting me and others in a position to be civilly and possibly criminally liable for our actions (deceiving potential advertisers to gain business) on behalf of the cause, reading people's private messages, posts being deleted and people being banned, etc.

Reading the blogs and messages of those who left Kimkins, eerily look like my (and others) final goodbye post so of course it has brought up many bad memories. When this individual couldnt delete posts and ban people fast enough, they actually shut down the Forum and left so many people adrift without support from those friends that they had bonded with and come to rely upon. While this individual did not bilk members out of money (that I know of), the rest reads like a script for narcissists everywhere.

Everyone looked through their email logs and tried to contact as many people as possible and we set up a new home at http://www.lowcarbtransformation.com/forum/index.php where many of us debriefed and learned the extent of what had gone on with each of us. I can only hope that former Kimkins members can find such a place... it seems that there are quite a few on Jimmy Moore's awesome Forum at http://www.lowcarbdiscussion.com/ I'm sure they will all get past the lies and find a better way to eat healthy and continue on their low carb journey. They are in good hands there.

Only time will tell what happens to this woman but she is going down and I hope that everyone in the low carb community will open their arms and welcome all of those who were harmed by this creature.

Food Addiction

2007-08-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

According to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, "addiction" is defined as:

1 : the quality or state of being addicted 2 : compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

Anyone who has had a serious struggle with their weight can read this definition and most likely attribute their relationship with harmful foods as an addiction. It seems that in order to be characterized as an addiction, there must be either a physical and/or mental dependence and that a person feel powerless to stop. More often than not, there are intense feelings of guilt and shame associated with ones relationship to their "drug of choice", in this case - FOOD.

In fact, there are many physiological changes that take place when one overeats; there are foods that produce narcotic-like effects. When a person eats a large quantity of certain foods they get "high".

If you've gotten into a loop of being overweight and depressed, it's no wonder someone turns to something that makes them feel better. The "rub" however is the fact that after this self-medication, a person will feel guilty and ashamed at the behavior. They will gain more weight, become more depressed and more self-hating. It's a vicious cycle that starts all over again and again. Because the addict is out of control, they will turn to the same way of eating in a conscious or unconscious effort to feel better.

I have long come to the realization that I am a food addict, specifically foods chock full of refined carbohydrates. The difficulty in being a food addict is that you must eat to live and unlike an alcoholic or drug addict, we cannot stop eating all together. We must make choices and stick to a specific plan otherwise we will be full on into our addiction. We must stay away from refined carbohydrates.

After work today, I went grocery shopping. Unfortunately I was hungry and that old addict kept coming in and I was drawn to the donuts and cakes (my former "drugs" of choice). It takes a huge effort to fight long-held habit. It takes a huge effort to refuse to go back to where I was.

In fact, there was a negotiation of sorts going on in my head and I realized that there is no way that I would buy anything not adhering to this WOE. Was it hard? Absolutely! Every time I have to make this decision, it's hard but I refuse to let this addiction get the better of me.

Today was a GOOD low carb day!

The Blessings of Low Carb Community

2007-08-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

The Low Carb Transformation discussion and support forum has been up since February of 2004. Most of us trekked there when things blew up at another Forum where we became a family of sorts. The site was suddenly shut down and we were left adrift for some time before we somehow gathered together again and got the word out about our new "home".

http://www.lowcarbtransformation.com/

Learning all about everyones lives, celebrating not only weight losses but the wonderful benefits of low carbing. We felt deeply when one of us was struggling and there was always someone there to pick you up when you thought that you couldn't go on. When my husband passed away suddenly in September of 2004, everyone rallied around me and the outpouring of condolences and support was overwhelming; I truly believe that this little on-line community was integral in helping me through such a dark period in my life.

Many of us met in person... we traveled to other states and had meet ups and then there was Wanda, the traveling rag doll who went from person to person visiting their cities - she even posted in the thread dedicated to her.

So many of us came to a place of acceptance where we could forgive ourselves for gaining so much weight - we learned that refined carbs affected our bodies in such a way that it was impossible to continue eating the way we were being told to. We realized that there is no one plan that works for everyone and until you peel away all the layers of a WOE, you have no idea how certain foods make you feel, stall, overeat and gain or lose weight.

Like any family, we also had our arguments. There were heated conversations about all things decidedly NOT low carb, there were people who left and then came back. There were hurt feelings and many misunderstandings. It never ceased to amaze me how wrapped up we could get with people who we had never met in real life. Balancing between making sure that I did not interfere or take sides was hard; seeing people you truly care about misunderstanding and being misunderstood was hard and unless it crossed a line, I did not interfere.

When my life took a dramatic change and I could no longer participate much in the Forum, so many people stayed there and continued to support each other. There is a sadness in that there are only a hand full of people left and I hope that those who have moved on, have either found a place where they get support or have moved to a place where they are strong on their own. I often wonder how our missing friends are doing... and where the heck Wanda is?

No matter how much time goes by, I still have profound feelings about that snapshot in time where I found myself by creating something that helped others in some small way and as long as there are people coming to LCT, it will be there for you.

House blues... well, kind of

2006-09-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

So here is the back and forth game of you give me something and I give you something. Offer and counteroffer, I hate this stuff but this house has been my home for years... I raised my kids here, spent most of my marriage here, we lived our life and it's more than just walls and a roof to me. So we are playing the game and all variables need to be weighed.

I've sent my friend and agent (can I just say she is fantastic) along with the latest counter offer to present to the buyer's agent. I'm hoping that they accept it but if I have to, I can put the house back on the market. Regardless of what happens, I'm still moving in November and am continuing to pack and purge. I'm excited about starting over in the new place and getting all this uproar behind me. Anyone who has sold a house can attest to the stress in having people traipse through your home at all hours. While I'm a pretty tidy housekeeper, it has to be immaculate at all times - not easy with two yappy dogs and kids.

Surprisingly though, I am at peace with all this right now and whatever is meant to be, will be.

Note to self: whatever you think is completely in your control, is NOT! Deal with it.

Life Changes on a dime... so what else is new?

2006-09-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

No I haven't given up on the whole lapband thing... I went to the informational seminar and found that since I'd researched it to death, I knew just about everything there was to know. However, I did find that the clinic I chose is definitely the one I will want to go with - there's something to be said for having complete faith in the skills and experience of your doctor and these people are top notch.

There were several people there who had undergone the surgery and were at different stages. They took questions and one even had her spouse there who was asked how this whole thing has affected him. He admitted that he had felt more jealousy now that his wife was much thinner and had to deal with that but he was very happy for her and her weight loss success. I imagine that there is a certain amount of angst for the partner of someone who is going through such a transformation. Will they still think I'm good enough for them? Will they leave me for someone better?, etc. Any insecurities they feel are surely to come out and it is probably quite a test to their relationship. I can't help but wonder how this will affect mine with my sweetie?

How will people treat me when I get closer to goal and it's something that I had a preview of as I lost 100lbs. It's as if you are invisible and become visible. No longer do people scan past you, avoiding eye contact; I'm scared to death of the attention I may get from the opposite sex :o For some reason that is a very uncomfortable thought to me.

Being overweight since the age of five, I never went through the normal processes of getting that kind of attention and learning to deal with it, to truly understand the power that it holds. I can't help but wonder if I will be disgusted by those who previously found me unworthy of attention but then suddenly worthy with the weight off. While I'm sure there will be changes, I will essentially be the same person on the inside... Or will I be? I can't discount the profound affect and stunting of sorts that this weight has caused in my life.

I've since gone to have my physical and medical evaluation at the clinic and now will have to meet with the surgeon and then there is the psych evaluation. My plans were to do this right away but other events have taken my focus for the time being.

This house has become an additional weight on my back since Cameron passed away and almost two years later (September 19th), I felt that it was the time for a change. I put my house up for sale and have accepted an offer. The family who bought it is a young one with a baby and it's comforting to know that they will now move in here to raise her in the home where I raised my own kids.

So we have another month to prepare for the move and I've already found another place that is less than a mile from here with a large, fenced yard for the dogs. Now it's purging and packing time, Yippee!!

In the midst of all this, my two favorite people at work are moving on and it's just so sad for me. Back when Cameron passed away, I used the same funeral home where I now work - Richard was the person who worked with me on the cemetery side and I immediately felt a connection with him. His warm but slightly irreverent manner fit with me and I'm convinced that the right person was put in my path to help in the arrangements. Before the funeral I expressed to him that I'd love to do what he does for a living. Having been out of work for 4 years concentrating on kids and home, I'd been out of the work force but needed to find something immediately to support my family.

Richard was the one who encouraged me to apply and put me in contact with his manager. I got the job and it has been such a wonderful experience. Last Summer when a normal complement of Family Service Counselors would be 7-9, it was Richard, Jeannie (his SO) and I manning family services. We worked too many hours, were under a lot of stress but forged a bond that I believe will always be there. Richard and Jeannie purchased their dream property about 2 hours drive South and are going to build a house. He is transferring to another Funeral home and she has accepted a job as a sign language interpreter (her former profession). The will be leaving and it's so sad - kind of an end of an era type of thing. While the new people we work with are great, it just won't be the same and I'm the only "old-timer" left. While I wish them all the best, I'd love to have things remain the same - sometimes it just isn't possible and this is really the right decision for them at this time.

There is a fork in the road and I'm taking it!

Drastic measures?

2006-08-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

Over the past month or so I've been doing quite a bit of research about getting the Lap Band Surgery in order to take off the rest of the weight I want to lose. Losing 100lbs on a low carb regimen has been life changing but it seems I need a little more help.

This decision has not been an easy one as I've come out very negative of such drastic measures and while I know it does not reach the level of procedures like gastric bypass, it still is a surgical intervention and that I'm trying to wrap my head around. The ultimate choice to do this is because there is nothing permanently altered and no cutting, stapling, etc.

This Thursday evening, I'll be going to the informational seminar to see if I am a good candidate. From all I've read, I am except for the fact that I am on an aspirin regimen and it is not advisable from that standpoint. All other factors look good... my insurance covers it, I can take the 5-7 days off of work to recover and I'm otherwise fairly healthy. The lifestyle changes have already been made and the irony is that a low carb diet is recommended for people with the lap band.

So here I go... off to a new chapter in my weight loss journey!

Consequences of size acceptance

2006-08-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

Back to the size acceptance issue.... Does trying to accept myself as I am now give me license to go off plan and gain back my hard won weight loss? Must we hate how we look in order to have the fortitude to stay on plan? I don't want to hate myself to be successful with this way of life; I've spent far too many years hating my body.

Enough is enough. How do I get to the place where I can appreciate the beauty of my current body AND at the same time have the motivation to continue on?

BTW, all "size acceptance" has gotten me is a big regain of some of the weight I've lost.

Isnt it ironic?

2006-04-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

That my last post had to do with size acceptance and over the course of the past several months, I've gained 40lbs?

I'm not freaking out that I've put on the weight, I know what I need to do to get it off again but frankly it's the side effects of it that have me back on the low carb wagon. The arthritis flares and headaches should be enough... not feeling comfortable in my clothes and then there's being out of breath just walking up a small hill to take a family out in the cemetery to isolate a space for their loved one.

Is accepting ones size a precurser to allowing them to go off plan and gain weight? Can we accept ourselves at our current size yet continue on the weight loss path? This is the crossroad where I find myself, it's forcing me to really look at who I am and how I see myself without the worry of condemnation by others.

Clarity and Transformation Part II

2005-11-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

Size Acceptance/Size Discrimination. According to the "International Size Acceptance Association" (ISAA) size discrimination is defined as "any action which places people at a disadvantage simply because of their size." and "Size Acceptance is acceptance of self and others without regard to weight or body size."

Seems healthy doesn't it? As someone who has been overweight since the age of five, I know intimately what it is like living in a country that prizes youth and thinness above all else, I have gotten the message loud and clear that I am not "ok", I am not "attractive" and I am not "worthy" of love... Almost 40 years of being told this, one tends to believe it, embrace it and become it. Why should we measure our self-worth in this way? Why do we continue to look in someone else's mirror of what we should be as an ideal? Are we just a body? Aren't we more than that? We have a mind and soul as well as this physical body, yet so often are overlooked because some people cannot look beyond the outside shell. The ongoing message is no matter how intelligent, witty, funny and decent you are, it is all wiped out and irrelevant because of this large body or perceived large body in the case of those poor souls who resort to Anorexia, Bullimia and another slew of self-hating, food denying and distorting disorders.

Having been at my highest weight just two years ago and 100lbs lighter now, I can say that although I am still very overweight, I am more acceptable to those who judge people by their physical appearance. Why should I care a whit about what anyone else thinks anyway? I can honestly say that more often than not, I no longer measure my worth that way and do not care.

There are some observations I've made about people of size and that is that (generally speaking) they are much nicer people, prizing kindness and compassion, wanting to encourage others... They are the friend who is so easy to talk to and is always there when you need them the most. Perhaps being a social pariah forces one to exercise these muscles, perhaps being judged time and time again makes a person more introspective and firm in wanting to not be like those who have hurt them time and time again.

Lose weight or don't lose weight. Love yourself for who you are and what you've been through. Don't let another person's mirror define who you are and above all, maintain that compassion for others while keeping firm boundaries of self. Surround yourself with people who appreciate your true self and find you beautiful no matter what size you happen to be.

Two years ago, I decided that I was an "uppity woman" in all the best senses of the term. I resolved to live out loud, not to let my weight affect what I do, who I see, where I go or how fully I live my life. I have not reached full uppity woman status but I'm heading there and it's liberating... Anyone want to join me?

Thankfulness

2005-11-24T12:07:00.000-08:00

I have more to write about clarity and transformation but today I focus on thankfulness because frankly with life's twists and turns over the past 14 months, I find it hard to grasp and acknowledge all my blessings in life.

Today I am thankful for the grace that God has given me and I'm thankful for the knowledge that whether my prayers are answered or not, I know that He has given me all that I need - how awesome is that!

Clarity and Transformation Part I

2005-11-11T21:15:00.000-08:00

In those times that I wax philosophically or just go deep, I have to wonder what "Clarity and Transformation" mean to me. It's fluid, it changes and there are times that I want to do anything but think hard enough about those things that are within myself. The microscope tells the truth but that's not always what we want to hear... Like a good friend who tells it to you straight, you know they are right but still you want to continue doing that which is ultimately destructive to you.

For two years, I remained faithful to the low carb lifestyle. I was a good low carber and eschewed the cookies and donuts that seemed to be everywhere I looked. I ordered my meal "no potato, double veggies" and would forgo the steaming bread basket set before me. Often times, even I knew that I was being a bit of a carb Nazi when my dear friend would mention eating something as horrific as Pineapple...Lord have mercy (this is where I would normally insert the rolling eyes smiley).

After my husband died, it was a slow ramping up of having a little bit of refined carb here and there. Nothing permanent, just a dabbling of sorts, all very harmless. It's been nearly 14 months since that time and while my choices still tend to naturally be low carb, I've certainly been doing more than "dabbling"; does this make me a bad person? I think not... It makes me human.

What is my goal?

Is it to be healthy?, is it to be thin?, is it to fit into a certain size? Or see a particular number on the scale? Is it about fitting into what society tells us is "normal"? Whatever the hell that is! This is where I need to go deep.

I have to ask myself "if I were to stay at the same weight that I am now, would I be content?" This is where I get to the "nub" of it. It's no longer about being out of control or weak or about not knowing what to do. I know exactly what I need to do. Maybe this is even more profound than finding out what refined carbs did to me and how they made me feel.

Back to Reality

2005-11-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a really busy week at work but very productive and I even made a great sale yesterday - WOO HOO!! There's so many changes going on there but fortunately they are for the good and it's a much more positive place to be, I think that the changes will go a long way in helping the families more and that's what it's about for me.

Although I was off today, I had an appointment in the morning and then there was a Veteran's Day service at work but I woke up with a horrible headache and Richard was kind enough to take care of my customer. Fortunately it was only a matter of getting a signature so I didn't have to take him away from his own stuff for more than a few minutes.

I spent most of the day in bed and finally woke up feeling better and refreshed. I'm working all weekend so hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. All is well on the home front and we're settling back into our routines here.

Ohio Trip

2005-11-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back from my trip and settled into my routine. Tuesday the 1st I got up at 4:00 am to get ready; my dear friends, Richard and Jeannie picked me up at 5:00 sharp to take me to the Airport. As I sat in the back of the car, I got so nervous to once again be venturing out of my comfort zone into something unknown.

Check in went smoothly and I was able to get a window seat and settle in for the long flight. There was a transfer in Cincinnati and a cramped ride on a much smaller plan to Cleveland. It was so nice to get off that plane and my luggage was already on the conveyer so I just grabbed it and waited. As I waited, I saw my new friend walk by and rather than yell out and make a scene, I figured he'd make his way back. Poor guy had been looking for me for awhile - probably thought I didn't show up!

He came back and he recognized me right away and gave me a nice hug followed by another, so far a good start. We headed out to the parking lot and drove the half hour just chatting... All the while I couldn't believe that I had actually flown over 2000 miles to meet someone I didn't really know all that well and it brought back memories of when I went to Dallas to meet Debby, Ginger, Kim & Eric for a LCT meetup.

The trip was very relaxing and we went shooting, something I've always wanted to do. Saturday, we went to meetup with Ginger and Joy at a restaurant in the area and got so worried when Joy didn't show up. We finally ordered but wondered what had happened; we found out later that she had been hit by a drunk driver the night before and had to stay over in the hospital for observation. Poor thing broke two ribs and fractured her ankle. Fortunately she's ok but we missed meeting her.

The town I was in was quite small but had a very nice charm to it. It's right on Lake Erie and many of the houses have a cape cod flair. Standing on the "beach", it was hard to believe that it wasn't the ocean as I couldn't see the other side. The telltale sign was that there was no in and out tide or the telltale salty, sea air smell that I'm used to here.

Sunday we got up early and drove the 2 1/2 hours to Union City, PA to visit my brothers there. As we headed out the rain started coming down in buckets and people even pulled over to the side of the road to wait it out... And they say that it rains too much in Seattle! Fortunately the rain stopped and the rest of the ride was pleasant, it seemed to go by so fast. Union City is a really small town so it was easy to find the house and rather than call first, we decided to surprise them.

It was wonderful visiting with everyone there and it was as if we'd seen each other just a few days before. My Stepmother came over and asked if we'd like to come over and see the house that my Dad had built. I was excited to see it because he moved from Seattle over 25 years ago and built this house himself from the ground up. He always did beautiful work and now that he was gone, I wanted to see what he'd done there. The house is a huge Tudor style with beautiful hard wood and slate floors. There's even a suit of armor in the entry way.

Later, we went back and they took us out to lunch at a local place that was a converted hotel from the turn of the century and then went back to their house to visit. We said our goodbyes around 8:00 and got back on the road to Ohio.

The next day was more relaxing and getting ready to come back to Seattle. My flight was leaving at 7:00 and I'd need to be there no later than 5:30 am I got up quite early and although I was excited about seeing my kids and getting back to work, I was a little sad to be leaving the place that felt like home for the past week. We headed out to the airport and I checked in right on time. It seemed like they processed me a bit more than before and I wondered if there was some sort of profiling going on with my last name being that it is Middle Eastern?

As the plane took off, I had a smile on my face and I was content to just wait out the ride and come home. Back in Seattle, Richard and Jeannie picked me up and we went out to lunch. I wanted to do something for them since they had gone through so much trouble to be my ride and how Richard very sweetly called me every day to make sure I was ok and that my adventure was going well.

When I got home, Krystal had cleaned the entire house and they both greeted me with hugs - what more could I ask for? My heart is full.

2005-10-30T14:08:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning and apparently my dogs decided to have a "POOPAPALOOZA" while I was sleeping... GROSS!!!! They are really good about this stuff but for some reason couldnt help it. Let's just say that there are more pleasant things to wake up to OMG.

Sunday already and I havent gotten much done for my trip on Tuesday. I sat down and did an authorization form so DD can take care of DS in the event of an emergency and all that stuff - I'm sure she won't need any of it but it's a peace of mind thing.

So I'm off to go pick up some sweaters or something for the cold weather and do most of my packing today since I work tomorrow. I'm really excited about my little adventure and quite nervous as well, taking deep breaths and saying "just be yourself".

My BIL picked up CJ this morning to take him out to lunch and spend dinner time with them so I've got the house to myself for now and am able to get some things done. All I want to do is veg but time is running out.

Had a huge egg scramble for breakfast and will probably make some homemade clam chowder for dinner since I'm the only only who likes it. Hey, it's boring but it's life, it's mine and it's a good one at that!

2005-10-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

The picture is of Bill Gates' house from the water - Taken on an evening cruise with co-workers.

Did this week fly by or what! I can't believe it's Saturday already and on top of that I actually have a day off from work WOO HOO!!!

I literally vegetated the first three days of the week and realized that I need a mini vacation. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the weight on my shoulders and have planned a trip to Ohio. I'll be leaving this coming Tuesday at the butt crack of dawn and I can't wait. Things on my itinerary... meeting someone special who I've only talked to on the phone and yahoo messenger (more details later you nosy butts!)

I'm so excited because not only will I be able to meet some LCT friends, I will only be about 2 hours from my half brothers in PA so will be going there to see them and their families. I just talked to my brother there and he's jazzed about me finally coming; they live in a very small town and I've never been able to just go there and see them. I'll be able to see their kids and my Dad's house, etc - it's all good.

Thursday I made a huge sale just in time to make it for my next payroll check so should have a little peace of mind about spending the money at this time. Life is good and things are working out, what a different place I am today than a year ago... my head is spinning.

Last night DS and I went out to dinner and had the biggest New York steak they offered, yes I ate the potato and the green beans with mushrooms and YES I had two glasses of merlot LOL I came home stuffed to the gills and ready for bed... sometimes you just need to eat the whole thing!

Wahoo!!

2005-10-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

LCT is looking better and better! I'm so happy that Emily has been able to do as much as she has and it's quite a relief to have things back up and running. Theres only a few more things that she needs to do and ultimately I want it to be a free, comfortable and fun haven for all our forum friends.

I'm off work today and just taking the day as it comes. It's just nice to not have anything in particular to do and focus in on my future planning; sometimes I'm running a mile a minute and rather than stay focused, I seem to be just putting out fires or doing non-productive "busy" work.

On the LC front... I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching about where I want to go from here. How I'm feeling about myself and all that stuff. I've fudged so much in the past few months that I hardly notice anymore - that's just not good for me. If I never lose any more weight, it's ok with me but what is not ok is that I don't feel good when I eat certain foods. You'd think that would be enough to keep me away but it's not and I guess that's the nature of this beast. Actually I'm content where I am and it's mostly about being healthy and hopefully a living a long life escaping all those ailments that crop up as we get older.

Counting your blessings

2005-10-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today I spoke with my brother who had undergone open heart surgery last Wednesday to remove a hard layer of calcium that was encasing his heart. 45 years old and he had gone into congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation and was unable to even walk half a block.

I can't even imagine the horrific days of terror as the day approached for him to go in and have this done. They opened him up and literally had to chisel most of it away, it had hardened like a bone but were able to get about 75% of it. He has a chance now at a full life whereas he probably would have died in about three years had it not been taken care of. To hear his cheery voice on the phone this morning was just what I needed to add something wonderful to my already great morning.

Last night I hosted a party at my home and invited all of my co-workers as well as our new "mascot", Tracey. Everyone brought their favorite pot-luck dish and beverage and we had such a wonderful time. Some were playing Texas hold'em in the dining room, others visiting in the living room, some more in the kitchen and the the rest in the family room watching the hilarious comedy schtick of Ron White from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Each room was filled with bellowing laughter and then silence as another room would hear a snippet of what was said in the other... random comments and words picked up that would elicit more laughter.

The party lasted until well after 11:00 and people gathered up their dishes to leave. Once the house was empty and I had picked up a bit, I sat down and just took it all in. The realization came to me that I HAVE made a new life in this past year. I've got good friends who I care about and who care about me, people that no matter where life takes us, we will always want to know what each other is doing and take time to keep in touch.

I guess I never really felt completely whole and after 42 years I can honestly say that I like my life, I like myself and I feel truly blessed.

Going it alone but it's ok

2005-10-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it seems like it's only been a few months but on the 28th, it will be my one year anniversary with the new career. Just a year ago, I was going to classes and getting ready to take my tests for licensure and I can hardly believe it. I was looking at my files today and it seemed like there were hundreds of famlies that I've worked with - some are a vague memory and others are as clear as if they were my own.

I hardly wonder how I did it... working with the grieving just over a month from the day that I buried my husband. To be able to move on and take all of the responsibility on myself - no longer having someone to take care of me or go to for that support that only a life partner can give. What I've found is that I'm stronger than I thought and that I have what it takes to make a life for the kids and myself.

Thinking back, I know that I relied so much on my husband to take care of the big responsibilities and he was happy to have them on his shoulders if it meant that I had it a bit easier. In a way I truly "grew up" when he passed away; first I lived at home then married and was never really on my own. Yes, I held responsible jobs and contributed to the partnership but in my mind, I always knew that he ultimately would take care of me... the kids and everything else.

I've been plopped down into a life that I didnt ask for or want but it's good. I've got my kids, a rewarding career, my house and even a new car. I've got some of the best friends that anyone could ever ask for. People who I know that I could go to for any problem but isnt it a great thing that I can do this on my own and don't have to. Just knowing that they are there is enough.

As I enter this new chapter, I'm excited about building new relationships and maybe even finding someone special to share my life with.

First part over, second part today

2005-10-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I spent a good part of the day hovering over the funeral director in charge of arranging my lady who passed away on Friday. I typically try to stay away from the prep room but yesterday I went down there to see how things were coming along. I'm amazed at the work they do to make someone's loved one look as presentable as possible and often it is quite a job when someone has suffered from a long lingering illness or fatal trauma.

I ventured down there and braced myself for what I might see - I'm still not used to it. They had already dressed her in a beautiful traditional Korean dress of lavender and even had all the traditional underclothes and socks as well as the special tie that is kind of a half bow with the loop laying over the heart. I helped put nail polish on her and gave input as to how she looked in life as I had met her. She was a lovely sweet woman of probably 5'2" and looked even smaller laying there. Even though she had been ravaged by cancer, she still had a full head of hair and we arranged it the best we could but figured the family may want it changed prior to the viewing.

My heart caught as my co-worker gently picked her up and placed her into the casket and they arranged her there as if sleeping. This is the same person who took care of my husband and I knowing that he used the same care and respect gave me comfort. It's my belief that the bigger a persons soul is, the less they look like themselves once they've passed away. This woman was greatly altered but what a testament to the greatness of her spirit.

We arranged her and took her up to the chapel to set up all the beautiful flowers that had been sent. She was obviously much loved and as I walked out of the chapel, I ran into her daughter and husband. We set up some easels and a beautiful collage of pictures - I just stood there quietly letting him tell me about each one and found out so much more about them; it was heartbreaking. They were both in their 40's and he had been told about her by a friend. They started a pen pal type relationship for a time and he finally went to Korea to meet her in person - within two days he "KNEW" that he had to marry her. They had a quicky type wedding there and came back to the states to live. Two years later he surprised her with a full-blown wedding with all their friends in attendance as well as her daughter who flew in for the festivities. Seeing them so happy was wonderful and I felt a connection to him as I too had lost my partner in life.

So today is the funeral and procession to the grave site where we will say a final goodbye to a beatiful wife, mother and friend. Just one of many we lose but our lives are better for having known them. May she rest in peace in eternity.

An odd weekend

2005-10-16T06:24:00.000-07:00

After lounging around Friday I finally got myself together and popped into work to process some paperwork. Found out that my boss no longer worked there and as usual, there is no clarification as to whether he quit or was fired. I'm pretty sure he was fired. Poor guy, he didnt have a chance - he walked into a position that had been vacant for several months and not only had to fill some holes, he was expected to build things up to a level that no one could accomplish with the resources given. Anyway, it doesnt affect my job much but I was sorry to hear that it didnt work out for him. I'm having a big party with everyone from work on the 22nd and I hope he'll still come to visit.

I had spent several days researching cars and trekked out to the dealership to see if I could make a deal. I had been preapproved for a loan so it made it easier but the dealership was able to offer me a better interest rate and I drove away in my new car - YEAH !!

It's absolutely beautiful and I feel so good because this is the first car I've ever negotiated by myself and purchased. I got the full bumper to bumper 10/100,000 mile warranty so no more angst about repairs and cash outlay. One would think that this would be no big deal being that when my husband was alive, he bought me a new car every year.... I'm talking about NICE cars but this one I did on my own and I got to choose it from beginning to end; it's such a good feeling.

So Friday night I had a "date". It was a bit unconventional in that it was online with a webcam and we both decided to drink wine... after much toasting and chatting I had drank quite a bit, much over my limit and trotted off to bed only to wake up with a horrible migraine that lasted all day Saturday and I finally woke up this morning feeling human. It's a good thing because I've got to go to work today. My first appointment is a basic arrangement but the second one is going to be heartwrenching.

I met with a man and his wife nearly a year ago and they wanted to arrange everything because the wife was dying of cancer. They were obviously very much in love and it broke my heart that they had to deal with this in such a real way. Well, when I went to work on Friday, I found out that the wife had passed away that day. It was like a kick in the gut and I'm so sad for them - the husband had come in last week to show his step daughter which casket he had picked out and I noticed that he had lost quite a bit of weight. He said that the doctors had given her only a few weeks and he just didnt want to live without her. He has a bad heart condition so I'm left wondering if he will go next. I just feel so bad for him and it will be so hard to sit across from him today and finalize these arrangements. I'll need to be strong so I don't break down too. There are just some families that hit you hard and it's difficult to keep a brave face.

As hard as it can be sometimes, these are the situations that make this job so rewarding - he will be meeting with a familar face and someone he knows.

Thursday ALREADY!!!

2005-10-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

This week has just flown by and I can't believe it's Thursday already. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday cleaning up more outstanding business in my files and got a ton of stuff filed away so I can concentrate on new business and properly serve my "at-need" families. There's a whole slew of things that need to be done after the funeral for families and I just havent had the time to properly take care of them. I'm just looking at moving forward from here and doing the best job I can do.

DS is at school and DD is hanging around here today - it's so nice to just be alone with her and visit. I'm so thankful that she's here. I checked out her blog today and under "who is your hero" she had written "My Mom" Awwwww, that's some awesome stuff and it doesnt get any better than that :)

We had a nice visit with my SIL last night and I fudged a bit off plan in that I had a bit of rice with my meal - the only side affect was that I felt overly full and didnt even eat that much. I don't suppose doing this once in awhile will be too much of a problem.

So today I'm going out to lunch with some family members and afterwards, I'm going to take the plunge and do some test driving for a new car. Who knows, I may come home this afternoon with some better wheels; driving a 20-year old Mercedes is an expensive proposition and frankly, having a window that rolls up and down or air conditioning that works is looking good.

I think of all the cars I've had in the past 15 years and how my DH used to get me a new one every year or two. Done the status symbol thing but at this point I'm only interested in getting from here to there in something comfortable and kick butt warranty. I found that they Hyundai seems to fit the bill and it's in my price range.

I'm off to do some research.

A full day

2005-10-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

After taking my son to school this morning I headed off for our Monday morning sales meeting and actually made it there on time. I had the opportunity to work with a very nice family and help them take care of arrangement for both their elderly parents.

I'm still plowing through some old file but had a chance to make a few phone calls and try to set up some appointments. Once again I went to work without planning out my lunch and ate a few of the danish cookies BLARG!! I'm working again tomorrow and will be making sure I've got something "legal" to take with me because it's really hard to work this much on an empty stomach and low blood sugar... fueled by bad coffee and danish cookies.

Since my daughter is working tonight, my son and I went out to the Olive Garden and had their mixed grill. Yes, you CAN go to the Olive Garden and stay on plan. Tell them to keep their bread and get extra veggies instead of pasta. It really can be done... I know, I've seen me do it LOL

Things I did today that I would never have/or could never have done before low carbing:

1) Walk into a room of people sitting and introduce myself to each one without dying of embarrassment.

2) Make the trek through the park for a witness placement.

3) Look professional in a suit.

4) Call people on the phone and ask them for their business.

5) Speak my peace at the sales meeting. Yes, I've found my voice.

2005-10-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

It seems that I've been neglecting my blog but I really do have a good reason. So much has happened in the past year.... My last post was August 22, 2004 and I'm living an entirely different life; sometimes it seems like someone elses life completely.

On September 19, 2004 my dear Husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. I've gone over the details so many times and just don't have the emotional energy to do it again here - Rest in peace Cameron.

When Cameron passed away I had been a stay-at-home mom for the prior four years and was thrown into a situation where I needed find a career where I could make enough money to now be the sole support of my little family. By sheer divine intervention a job opportunity came at my husband's funeral and I inquired about working with those who have also lost a loved one in arranging for their cemetery requirements and pre-arranging/funding funerals.

On November 1, 2004 I began my career as a family services professional at a beautiful memorial park in Seattle. As I approach my one year mark there, I'm feeling very blessed to be able to help others AND make a respectable living. My children both live at home and we are easing into life as a family of three instead of four.

Transformation comes in many forms and I'm ready for what life throws my way.

Dying of embarrassment? Don't neglect your health!

2004-08-22T13:02:00.000-07:00

Something that many overweight people do is neglect their health. We allow our shame and fear to prevent us from doing something that is vital to our well-being and I suppose this is yet another way that we confirm that we aren’t good enough or as good as others..As a seriously overweight person I was too embarrassed to go and limited myself to only a few visits to a “Doc in the Box” type clinic on the rare occasions where I needed an antibiotic.

I had not gone to a personal Doctor since I had given birth to my Son who is now 13 years old. Several months ago I made the decision to start taking care of myself in other ways besides low carbing. I started exercising and I made an appointment with a new Doctor to build a long-term relationship.

I made the dreaded appointment and went in for the full meal deal, physical, blood, PAP and even a mammogram. The appointments were split up in three different visits and there wasn’t one that I didn’t have to fight the urge to call in “sick” or make up some sort of excuse. I was scared to death! Scared to weigh, scared to be lectured about my weight, scared that the exam gown wouldn’t fit, I think you get the picture that I was SCARED!

Despite how I was feeling, I went in anyway. The Doctor was fantastic and so easy to talk to. I was thrilled because I wanted to develop a long-term relationship with my medical provider and here was someone who I could respect and had a heart as well. She didn’t judge, was sympathetic and most of all thrilled when I told her that I had lost 80lbs over the past year.

Once all the test results came back, I found out that everything looked great. My blood pressure was still a reliable 120/80, my Triglycerides were 45, HDL Cholesterol 59 and LDL 88, and even my thyroid was A-OK. It seemed the only thing that was a bit off were my zinc levels and that would explain why I would lose so much hair each time I showered. Easy fix! I started taking a zinc supplement and within a month, my hair stopped coming out in handfuls. All was well and I pronounced fit until next year’s visit.

This past Monday I started getting this fluttering in my chest. Initially I wasn’t concerned because I’ve experienced this my entire adult life; it starts and stops all within the span of seconds.I had mentioned it to the Doctor at the Physical but she said that this was common and nothing to be concerned about. It was the body’s own pacemaker sending an electrical signal to regulate the heart and most people didn’t even feel it.This fluttering did not stop. It started on Monday morning and when it didn’t go away by the next morning and I started to feel faint, I called my Doctor who fit me in right away.

Tuesday I got to the Doctor and I guess my first inclination that this was serious was when instead of weighing me, they ushered me into a room and immediately started taking all my vitals. The nurse said my pulse was erratic and my blood pressure had gone up to 130/90. They wanted to do a blood test and check my thyroid since a thyroid problem could cause this and they wanted to perform an EKG. Fortunately I got a great technician who found a vein immediately and it wasn’t even uncomfortable.

The EKG was next and she took me to a room, handed me a gown and left. I looked at the gown and judging from its “postage stamp” size, I knew that this wasn’t going to fit me. She had told me to keep it open from the front and let me just say that that wasn’t a problem at all Oh well, what is a little embarrassment when we’re talking about something as serious as ones health?!

Once the EKG was done, they took me back to the examination room and I waited.I couldn’t help but wonder what could be wrong and the fluttering still hadn’t stopped. At this point I had gotten very scared so when she came in and sat down, I was studying her every facial expression and movement. The telltale sign was there. She had the “serious yet sympathetic” look… you know, the look that someone gets when they are about to give you some unpleasant news! Most definitely not a look you want to get from your doctor.

She informed me that I have “Atrial Fibrillation” and proceeded to draw me a diagram about how the heart works and what is going on. Basically Atrial Fibrillation is a fancy way of saying that the heart’s two smaller, upper chambers quiver instead of beating effectively. Blood isn’t pumped completely out of them, so it may pool and clot. If a blood clot leaves the heart and becomes lodged in an artery in the brain, a stroke results.

All I could do was look at her in disbelief. Inside I just wanted to scream but I just said “so what is the treatment?” She took charge and said that I need to get my heart rate down so she was going to prescribe a beta blocker and it would work within an hour. Then I would have to start a blood thinner (warfarin) so as to prevent a clot from forming. She ordered an Echocardiogram and called in the meds so I could pick them up immediately. Apparently the blood thinner has to be monitored and I must go in daily for a while to have it drawn to make sure it’s thin but not too thin.

I left the Doctors office and barely made it out to my car before completely breaking down. How could this be? How could I come so far in changing my bad habits only to have such a thing happen? It felt so unfair and unreal. Once I sucked it up, I made it to the Pharmacy to pick up my new prescriptions. I know the Pharmacist well and he was talkative as usual; when he saw what had been filled and that it was for me, he gave me the “look” and I was again reminded that this is serious.

A half hour after taking the beta blocker drug (atenolol) the fluttering stopped and I was so relieved. I even slept very well that night and overslept in the morning.

After breakfast that first day, I perused my website for a bit and headed out to get my blood drawn. This technician wasn’t quite so good and it was a nightmare. She poked me several times and nothing! I became very faint and nauseas so she said I could come back tomorrow but I said I really needed to do this today and another person came and was successful doing it on my hand. Again, I was getting upset but trotted off to another clinic for the Echocardiogram. I got there, asked for Cardiology and was directed down the hall.

There were several people in the waiting room, all of which were elderly and I couldn’t help but wonder if some mistake had been made and why the heck was I here? The Echocardiogram was very interesting. This time I was given a decent gown and the technologist was very informative, telling me what everything was and what he was going to do next.

The procedure is just like an ultrasound and I got to see my valves opening and closing as well as the heart pumping. Soon my fear was replaced by interest as he explained it all. So here’s where I’m at… I go again tomorrow morning for a blood draw, I wait for word about my thyroid and I have an appointment on the 26th with a Cardiologist who will look over my Echocardiogram results.

I’m trying not to think about blood clots and strokes and I’m just thinking about how thankful I am that I’ve lost 80lbs, I’m eating healthy and most of all, I wasn’t afraid any more to go and see the Doctor. I’m sorry that this is so long but I guess if one person out there is still hesitating and too embarrassed to go to the Doctor, let me be an example of how important it is to be in tune with your body and take that no matter how scary.

Binge Eating Disorder

2004-08-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

I was doing some research recently and found a very good psych website that talks about a newly recognized condition known as "Binge Eating Disorder".

It is different in that one who suffers from this does not purge like a Bulimic but eats large quantities of food; the behaviors are:

1) Eating much more rapidly than usual.

2) Eating until uncomfortable full.

3) Eating large amounts of food, even when not physically hungry.

4) Eating alone out of embarrassment at the quantity of food being eaten.

5) Feelings of disgust, depression, or guilt after overeating.

I read that although this disorder has only recently been recognized as a distinct condition, it is probably the most common of the eating disorders and most likely affects 2% of all adults, or about 1 - 2 million Americans!It's important that we understand this because I think that so many of us who struggle could honestly see our own behavior on that list.

I know that prior to low carbing, I could have have answered "yes" to each of those items on the list. Now? Not so much at all. I do have my moments where I may want to overeat but nothing that comes close to what it was before and there is so much more control there without all the angst.

I'm not cheatfree after 16 months because I'm a stronger person or more disciplined! I don't have a stronger will power than others here! I'm so because I am scared to death to take that step down the refined carb road and afraid that I won't ever get back to where I am now.

What I'm still trying to piece together is where does the coping mechanism aspect of this end and the direct result of how refined carbs make us feel take over? I believe that they are just beginning to scratch the surface on this and it will be low carbers who help pick this all apart. We have a unique opportunity to get this information out there and give hope to others who just can't see a solution.

I know that many people who read this still struggle with the binging but know that you are not alone and that you have the tools to combat this. You are much closer to your Transformation than you think and keep getting back on the wagon. You are not a failure and can do this.

The 480lb Woman

2004-08-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

I just read an article about a woman who had reached 480lbs and her skin had grafted to the couch where she lay for 6 years. I can't even imagine.... There seems to be more and more of these stories of individuals getting so large that they couldnt get out of their home, or up off the bed, etc. These stories are written to illustrate the freakishness of the situation but I wonder how many people think of what hell it must be for the person involved? I wonder if they look past their prejudices of how someone gets that large and have compassion for the individual who must be going through something profound to get to that point?

Making sport of or discriminating against the overweight seems to be the last socially acceptable form of discrimation. We've all found that it's so much more complicated than a matter of will power or character and many of us have found the way that we need to eat in order to reverse the weight gain and get healthy. Of course there are some people who make it a lifestyle choice but I don't think the vast majority of those struggling with their weight are just lazy. I think it runs the gammit in that some are really affected by refined carbs, some have family members that sabotage, some have been so damaged in life that the food is their only solace and others just don't have the tools in order to understand what they need to do.How about instead of making fun and sport of these people, we show some compassion and help them get well?

I guess I don't have a magic answer but I do know that I'm going to do whatever I can to help anyone who asks me.

How many of you go out and about and see someone who needs to low carb? Do you want to go up to them and try to get them to give it a try? I've thought about it but never do because it would be rude and who knows? Maybe they already are low carbing or thinking about it.

All we can hope for is that the media pushes past calling this WOE a "craze" and that more studies come out showing it as a healthy WOE that works. We are in a position of helping by being an example to others... maybe they'll see our success and take some hope for themselves.

My Story - the long version

2004-08-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

For as far back as I can remember I've had one sort of food issue or another and have been overweight.

I don't imagine that I have to go into details to sufficiently explain how painful it was to be an overweight child because anyone who was one knows the trials that cruel children can put you through. To this day though, I sometimes wonder about the adults who said and did nothing, somehow their silence concurred the sentiment that I was not a worthy person and that my feelings didn't matter.

My weight affected me terribly. Because of the treatment by my peers I started to skip school in the 7th grade and by the 9th grade, I had dropped out altogether. The pain of going to class, feeling everyone's eyes on me and receiving cruel comments was far too much for me to bear. I eventually went for my GED and then off to college but I always remember that there was no Prom or graduation ceremony for me. No Class reunions where I could catch up on the ?good old days. My weight and the subsequent treatment from my peers took that all away from me. The ironic thing is that when I look back, I really wasn?t all that big at all yet the impact was life altering.

When I was in college I met my future husband. We had lunch together at school for at least a month and I kept wondering why he didn't ask me out, I knew he seemed very interested in me but was so shy. Eventually I asked him to go out to lunch with me and as we were leaving the school, he said, "you're never going to be rid of me now". I remember thinking what he said was funny and laughed it off but that was 20 years ago, we've been married for 19 and have an 18-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son.

All through my marriage, my weight has been an issue. It was an issue in the beginning when I was a size 19/20 and it has been so as I progressed up through the years to a size 34/36 (tight). I've been on so many diets, I can't even count them all but usually had minor, if any, success. My poor husband has been on this roller coaster with me for 20 years and had gotten to the point where he was resigned that I would always be overweight. I don't want to paint him as a bad guy because he is not. He has always been concerned about my health and yes, maybe he would have liked to have an average-sized wife to show off but how could I blame him. Would I be so thrilled to have an obese husband? I've thought about it a lot and I honestly can't answer the question, I just don't know.

I have also gotten to the point that I thought I would never be thin, that I should just resign myself to this fact and live my life to the fullest. I would never be able to go to the movies or sports events. I wouldn't be able to go horseback riding or parasailing, or to a hot climate for vacation because I would be so uncomfortable. Maybe I wouldn't even be able to sit in the stadium for my own daughter's graduation in 2004!

I didn?t like going to restaurants because there were too many unknowns. Were they going to put me in a booth that was too small? Were the chairs large enough? I had gotten to the point that EVERYTHING I contemplated doing, involved me considering my size and the limitations that came with it. Unless I wanted to go through dangerous gastric bypass surgery, I would have to accept that my life would be severely limited.

In April 2003 I heard on the news that Dr. Atkins had passed away from a head injury that he had sustained earlier in the month from a fall. After that, there seemed to be a lot of discussion everywhere about his diet and lifestyle and I started looking into it. I went to the Atkins Center website and read as much as I could about it. I remembered that I had heard several years ago about how unhealthy it was and that you could have a heart attack so I was very surprised to read the science behind it an how much it made sense to me and I had hope for the first time in years.

I bought the Atkins book and started Induction on the 24th of April. Sometime around that, there was an encore showing of Dr. Atkins' January interview with Larry King and I was amazed at what a wonderful man Dr. Atkins was and sad that he had been vilified by the medical establishment for so long. Fortunately before he passed away, there were several studies that came out grudgingly admitting that his plan worked.

Because I had gained so much weight, I could not weigh myself on a conventional scale but found an ally in the office manager at a Bariatric doctor's office who said I could weigh on their scale. I drove 20 miles each way, every two weeks to weigh myself on their scale. My first visit to the doctor's office was really scary because I had spent so many years trying to deny and ignore my weight but there it was, this huge platform with an LCD display that read 420 POUNDS! OMG, how had I let myself get to be 420 pounds?

What would people say if they knew how much I really weighed? With a goal of 185/195lbs, was there any hope to lose up to 235 pounds?Up until this time, food had been the center of my life; I was thoroughly and completely obsessed. I had spent years hiding how much food I had consumed, to the point that I would literally put my spent wrappers in toilet paper and flush them to get rid of the "evidence" or there would be a pie with a piece out of it, I'd eat the whole thing and then have to go buy another, eat the one piece like before so no one would know.

My husband became the "food police" and would continually comment how much I ate, what I ate, and why something was "missing". I only went further underground into secretive, covert eating.

Induction was interesting and Ketosis amazing, to say the least. Suddenly I wasn't hungry, I had to literally force myself to eat at regular intervals. I had spent so many years trying to keep my eating under control without success and now I felt like food was in a proper perspective. I enjoyed eating but it wasn't an all-consuming thing and I had time and energy to think about other things. There was so much more to life than food.

I stayed in Induction for a month and then progressed to OWL, my net carbs average 25-30 per day and my percentages are pretty right on at 65/30/5 with calories at 1900. Since starting Atkins I have lost 80 pounds and still have another 145 pounds to go so I am by no means a Before and After case but Im on my way! Nothing in this world is going to stop me.

If I ever get it into my head that refined carbs aren't poison for me, all I have to do is remember how it felt on the few occasions where I had inadvertently had them hidden in my food. I immediately began to crave more food; I became frustrated and angry and didn't know why. All of the sudden it occurred to me that there must be hidden carbs and upon grilling my hostess, I found out that it was indeed true. There was a definite and extreme effect when I introduced even the smallest amount of refined carb food.

I used to hate myself; I thought that I was weak. I thought that I had no willpower and that I was worthless because of it. No longer so, I now have so much compassion for myself because I never had a chance up against what refined carbs did to my body, how they made me feel. I forgive myself for getting this heavy and now I have the knowledge and means of correcting it.

I'm blessed with the best friend anyone could ever wish to have and a husband that is supportive and looking on with an admiration that I have never seen from him. After 41 years, I finally have a chance at a full life. At this time I'm building a business as a Low Carb Lifestyle Coach so I can help others by doing something that I feel passionately about.